Growing up, I used to think that I will be able to earn enough money to live alone and well. Now, as I have entered my mid-20s, I realised that I have been living a life where I have taken decisions out of fear.
After passing the Boards (class 10/10th grade), students all over India, are told to take their first major life decision in their short-lived life: which subject to choose for 12th grade-Science, Commerce or Humanities? Being from an upper-middle-class family, I was expected to choose Science. Science-the subject that allows for better opportunities in later life. My parents and my relatives expected this from me. I had always this inner dilemma. Science and Humanities- both were interesting to me. Science’s Biology and Humanities’ History were the subjects I liked, and those were the ones calling me out for their respective streams. My parents were in favour of Science stream. I came to realise that it would be better to choose Science then, and then take up English Literature later in the college. I feared of what my parents will say, and if my parents will be disappointed in me. That was the first decision, I took while I feared for the disappointment from my parents and other relatives if I haven’t chosen that. I gave my Higher Secondary Examinations (class 12/12th grade) and after that I began to appear for national entrance exams. I also looked for colleges outside my city to study something interesting which aligned with what I had studied. I had come on this path (Science stream), and I was a little hesitant in choosing subjects other than the ones that were not aligning with Science, like English/Literature/History. My fears at that time were the failure of not getting into any college, and staying at home for one year. This fear was unintentionally put on me by my father because he mentioned that usually the people who start late, stay behind the people who don’t take a gap year and get into job instantly. Fortunately, I got into a college in my own city, and then into another college in another city. The local college was good, but I was not feeling happy. The college in another city was a place full of uncertainties, and my fears were astounding. My parents support, and my own need to get out of the city I lived in for 18 years, made me take the decision to go to another city. The future that has not the route of Medicine or Engineering, but the path of Research, made me quite hopeful. I took the decision of going to the college in another city. I was afraid of going there, but the expectation of new experiences made me put the anxiety down. That time I could say, that my fears very much turned into nervousness for the new and uncertain experiences.
My college’s experiences and my academia experiences made me seem a little conflicted about the research field and going ahead in Chemistry. I used to feel that I am not capable of doing research, as I still need to brush up on my basics. I was also not comfortable getting a PhD soon after I graduated doing my Masters, as I would feel that I didn’t explore enough. Thus, I decided that I will get a job first, and then decide later whether to get PhD or not. I could have experience and wisdom of age first, and then I will get into a PhD program. I wanted to earn first, and then to get a further education. I had more dilemmas after graduation- whether to get into a new field and leaving the research and academia, or have enough experience while I earn doing project-based research.
My dilemmas and fears made me stay stuck for two (now almost three years) and I am scared now.
It was when I came back home after graduation that I started to reflect on my life; I began to realise that I am afraid of so many things.
I’m afraid of starting anything, and then losing interest sooner, or stop doing that. I’m afraid of appearing a failure in life. I’m afraid of taking a decision that would later turn out to be wrong or bad. I’m afraid of big changes that bring inconveniences in my life, that I am unable to cooperate with.
I also don’t know what I want.
It scares me that I still don’t know what to do. It has been 2 years after I graduated, and I am anxious, anxious of the future without my parents, now that they are becoming old.
I fear so many things that I forgot how to dream. I forgot that by dreaming, I could brave ahead to take action. But sometimes, I see myself dreaming, and my fears would stop me from not living my life properly. My anxiety just goes up to the roof whenever I scroll through LinkedIn and see other people achieving something or doing something, and here I am, sitting at home doing nothing.
Even when I do enough of reflection and try to figure out something, it is the fear of not being able to do a thing, fear of lacking behind, afraid of starting once again from low level, makes me unable to start anything, or change field as what I was thinking of when I graduated.
I was hesitating to spend money to gain skills, or do any big courses to gain new skills. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents in choosing something other than what I was supposed to do after my graduation. My fear of inconveniencing my parents with regards to money has made me feel regrets now. I should have disappointed them sooner, for I wouldn’t have wasted my life, feeling stuck for such a long time.
Staying at home for such a long time and not believing in myself, has led me to easily think of giving up as soon as I encounter any obstacle. My feelings of inability to stay and overcome any obstacle perpetuate my anxiety of getting out and meeting others. I am able to talk and understand what the other person is saying, but my lack of self-belief and self-esteem, makes me feel that I am unable to communicate properly. I would like to give recent examples from my life for this.
I was called for verification of my documents for my passport to be made. I applied for it previous year, and after some necessary documents’ verification, I was told that someone from nearby Police Station would either come, or call me for all the verification. I was not much active in pursuing this when the deadline of three weeks went by and no call or any visit happened. I stayed in a limbo, stuck, and I was even thinking of letting it go. A recent call for verification came, and I went to them with all my documents. But with recent change in rules, I have to bring in more of documents which I was unable to procure at that time, and I was feeling like I should let it go. Let me stay invisible and not care about the tedious process of verification, where now I have to procure more evidence of my nationality and my identity with more documents. Dealing with Indian bureaucracy is also another struggle that I feel gives me anxiety and induces migraine in my mind.
Recently, I joined an online course for writing short story. It was something I joined so that I could learn and have an experience of writing a short story (about which I was thinking of for long). It has got four classes, and two classes in, I have started to feel that I lack confidence in writing a fictional short story. Joining two classes made me look into my own writing skill, to find myself lacking in writing fiction and being creative. I lost the self-confidence in moving ahead, and I am currently afraid enough to give up in the online course.
I am afraid of ridicule from my own family. I am afraid of embarrassing them because I feel that I have done nothing in my 25 years of life.
I feel like my life is nothing. Being stuck and doing nothing for a job, feels like I have achieved nothing. I actually have achieved nothing worthwhile, so what I said is genuine.
I know that I have to get a job to live properly, but I also don’t want to give up on my principles. I don’t want to join a company that discriminate its workers, and harm people at large. I don’t want to join a company that doesn’t believe in human rights. I don’t want to join a company that is trying to harm the Earth at most.
I fear living a life where I don’t do something meaningful. I have always been a selfish person, so living a meaningful life is the only non-selfish wish I have. But it seems that I have not been doing that at all.
There are lots of fears that I cannot seem to fathom now. I fear love and sex as well. It is understandable to fear sex (considering the violence behind the acts sometime), yet I fear love as well. Being in one romantic relationship made me realise that I did love the guy, in a platonic way, but it wasn’t as passionate and romantic love as he expected, and I was selfish to the core, to realise that my love for him was conditional. I fear love, because I know that I won’t be loved like how a person should be loved. Because I don’t love anyone like that. I believe that sex is something that can be only done with a person with whom I am comfortable with, and I feel that I won’t have anyone like that, even in the future. I fear being vulnerable; I fear being intimate emotionally and physically with any person while being sober. So what can you expect from me, a person in mid-20s who does not know what she wants?
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