Musings of an Anonymous Indian

Hello Readers! This is me MB13!), the Author of this blog post. An Anonymous Indian, as this website/blog says. An Indian, who wants to remain anonymous while she shares her musings as well as thoughts to the whole world, or the world which still reads blog posts.

This time I am writing about my contradicting self. Have you ever experienced a vehement disgust at yourself for doing something that goes against your own set of values? I don’t know if this could explain what I want to say. What I said above, is a very extreme of what I feel whenever I have two extreme thoughts and reactions to anything that happens. For example, when it rains heavily and floods the roads, I usually think that it looks beautiful, the scenery is worth capturing about, and I can share that aesthetic view with others. My other self then comes out, and then chides me for thinking about doing this. This self chides me for being privileged, and then make me think about those people who might be facing hardships because of the heavy rains. This is the duality and contradiction I am faced with, and I contend with.

Another time, I would be faced with this thought of sharing about something that I like. Like, sharing about what I am feeling, or sharing a post about something which I believe in. But on second thought, I don’t post the status or put Instagram story or do anything. I overthink about whether to do that or not, and end up not putting it. I become hesitant in putting myself out there in internet.

Another time, I really wanted to go travel alone in the city where I am living now, but my mind overthought again, and I stayed back at home.

My contradiction is also there about me. I overthink about what other people will think about me, and this haunted me whenever I used to put in internet. Then there is my nonchalant, another self that is like, just do it! there won’t be anything to think about!

Yeah, I am full with contradictions, that I am not even able to remember.