Musings of an Anonymous Indian

I am here to write about my life after I entered my Twenties, that supposed entry to the adulthood, where you are supposed to know everything, as you become older. No. I am not enough adult yet. I still don’t know about the taxes which we have to pay. I don’t know how to be an adult yet. I am still struggling to be independent, when I am still dependent on my parents, anxious about future.

I can’t help but think about my future when I am not thinking about death. When I am hopeful about my chances of living. But I am not going to make my life as an independent person until I learn living like that. I still need help in trying to make my decisions, and I am always indecisive. I am still afraid of the future. Even when I try to focus on my present, I still am afraid and scared of the uncertain future for which I have not planned yet. I am a coward, you think, right? But whatever be the case, I still feel that whatever is happening in my life is a learning point, and I will try to overcome the obstacles called grade system in my institute to enter the world as a capable adult.

I still want to know how we pay taxes. How we take insurances and talk about all the important topics that are important to us. Also, I want to know how my parents, and the parents of our generation used to deal with the problems, without having any knowledge of all the mental illnesses. Mental health in my country, and for my parents generation and older generation is a new concept. Just like Diabetes was to me and my family 13 years ago. There has been a lot of mental health awareness going on in recent years, and I have realised that adults who work, bear the most in their working lives, and it made me wonder, that will I be able to survive and earn money for myself and my family?

Twenties made me think a little about my future in terms of making a career, where I am satisfied by whatever I am doing to earn money. But it also made me realise that I don’t have a particular dream career to work through. In my daydreams, I have always thought of writing stories, and about my life. Boring or not, but there are so many things to write about, just like how I am doing right now. I am living off from the royalties that I am getting, and people are reading my stories and books without knowing that it is me who is writing. Just like how it is here. I will open a cosy bookstore/cafe/gaming cafe/library and become either librarian or a barista there. That has been my dream recently. It is easy to dream. With all due efforts, it is easy to achieve them as well. But my practical side comes along and money becomes the issue. Money does become the issue with ever changing world, and it cannot be overlooked. My need for a peaceful and a life full of curiosity and wonders seems to go out of my hand. It becomes depressing to think that the life that you want can only be achieved when you have the money. Otherwise in this economy, it is impossible, and you are bogged down by the practicalities of life. The loneliness and the depression that you face, even when you are with your family, or friends, and nothing gives you joy, does not seem like the life that I want to live.

These past few years of twenties (I’m 22 now) seems like great years when you come across people whom you think will be there in your life, like some of the friendship shows. I have come across people whom I want in my life. I have come across people whom I want to know and want to be there for them, and want them to be there for me. I also realised that these people whom I want in my life, these relationships need work. Whether you want it or not, but these friendships and relationships require that communication and conversations that is important for it to become healthy and to thrive. I realised for an introvert like me, I need in some way these thriving friendships. These fulfilling relationships and friendships are what make a life fulfilling which is not in my life yet.

Twenties are also about realizing that the 18 me, which I used to consider to be the mature me, was perhaps mature, but I am still not mature. I have realized that I still have a lot of things to unlearn, I can be toxic to a person without meaning to and that I have still to know a lot of things. I have to heal from a lot of things that wounded me, so that I don’t hurt other people in my life. Also, I can inevitably hurt people, but I must understand that why I did that and why I should not have done that. It becomes a work-in-progress, and it requires efforts.

I am still in twenties, and I am experiencing teenager phase now. The teenager phase that most people might have already faced or gone through. Like rebelling, trying to act against your parents, getting uncomfortable while asking for money from your parents, having feelings for this person you want to spend your entire life with, but it does not work and you are devastated, and you try to move on. I also got friends that I wanted to have for my life in college only. So, my college self has been the teenager self. I also have come to realise that I am a late-bloomer in thinking out all the things. Questioning everything is something that teenagers come to realise to do. I am doing it in my twenties.

Twenties also have been the revelation that your parents are getting older and you have to work on yourself and your future. Your parents might one day be not there, and despite their toxicity, you will miss them. My parents are not toxic, but sometimes it feels that what they say, are questionable. Even when it comes from their heart of care and what they think is that their love for us. It is important to understand that they had their own struggles, and we have to make them understand that we also have our own struggles.

Teenager life is considered to be the beautiful part of life. For me, perhaps the early twenties will be considered the beautiful part of my life, for I am struggling and still am existing. I am learning things, and surviving life. I am living day to day, wanting to enjoy the fruits of my hardships, but it always will be the little things, the search for those little things and little wins that will make me want to live day to day.