Musings of an Anonymous Indian

[I intended to publish this blog entry on the week of the anniversary of my return back from my college. But I got lazy and I procrastinated writing and editing it. Some of them were written around that time, and I haven’t made changes, because it felt okay leaving it like that. I mention that my official farewell was on 9^th May 2024, and I returned back home on 28^th May 2024.]

It has been exactly one year since I came back from the city of my college. I am planning this personal blog article to be my recap of the year that has been.

I am currently not employed by any corporation or an institute, neither I am doing a PhD. I am also not doing Master’s or an internship and neither I am a student of any institution. Thus, I am rightfully considered an unemployed person now. I was wondering how I have spent the year after my graduation/post-graduation (I say this because I have Integrated MSc. degree- 3 years Bachelors and 2 years Masters in the same institute), and how I have been doing since I came back home from college. This is like a reminiscence of the year that was, me being an unemployed person. Some people might even consider me a waste, with how I haven’t gotten anywhere yet, and am doing nothing worthwhile. Well, regardless of what other people might or might not say, this personal blog article is me processing and trying to figure out myself, as I write. Figuring out yourself is always done best when you look back. This personal blog article will have overview of what happened and my thoughts.    

9th May was the day I and my batch-mates got the official farewell after the semester ended. I officially became unemployed in the eyes of the adult society. 

Month of May, soon after the end of End-sems, was tinged with farewells: farewell to the college, farewell to the walks and the gardens of the university, farewell to the people new and old, and as a whole, farewell to the City of Dreams-Mumbai. It was an end and a beginning of a new chapter in my life- the Unemployment era, where I search for jobs, or for PhD positions and PhD programs, and try to find ways to stand on my own, and not become dependent financially on my family.

Farewells used to be sad for me since childhood. College graduation/post-graduation was a bitter-sweet feeling. It wasn’t as sad as how I felt after I graduated from my primary-middle-high school where I spent 16 years of my life. But it was something akin to the ambivalent feeling of happiness and a heaviness on my chest, as I said goodbye to the place that was home for 3-4 years and friends that I made along the way. It was only when I left the city, that I realised that the farewell was real, the goodbye was real, and now I am on my own, to face the real world.

I don’t remember the details of the days after I came back home. I had applied for exams, so I was hesitantly preparing for it. My brother was also back home for vacation, so there was less feeling of pressure from my parents, seeing that only recently I came back.

Parents took us to our village in the month of June, so that we don’t forget our roots. There was also an event of my aunt’s engagement. This was a trip to our village after a long time as a family. We usually go by road, and this was not an exception. During this trip, I saw many of the farm-lands which are owned by our family, which were far off from our house in the village. This definitely made me get interested once again in the history of our family and history of our village.

I went back to my village on four separate occasions after this trip. One was in the event of same aunt’s marriage, one was to vote, one was to attend one event of relatives from my mother’s side, and one was for celebrating the village’s main festival Maageporob.

Seeing how people celebrate Maageporob and all the rituals that are followed in the festival, made me realise that humans are same everywhere: they all form their own rituals and follow them, with their own logic. Whether it is really scientific or not, it does not matter, but to them it is a part of their life. People also celebrate New Years according to the agricultural season around the world. Maageporob is celebrated to commence for the new year according to agricultural season and because the previous year ended. The festival is celebrated as the harvested crops are collected and kept inside the house. This is the reason my parents told me, and I have accepted it without any questions.

To the people living in our village (and to my parents) Maageporob used to be a big festival of celebration and end of the year of crop season. It is still big, it’s just that a death occurred before the festival this year (2025). Thus, the celebration wasn’t too grand or so. On the main day, the people dress up to go to a place of community worship to Singbonga- our god. On the next day, people wear their best dresses to welcome people who visit them for the festival. Games were organised for people to participate and enjoy on that day. That day, a ritual of making a cock eat rice as an offer to our ancestors was also done. People visiting houses for the festival is part of celebration as well. Also, most of these people coming to visit houses are either relatives or friends of villagers or people who are not from the same village. They come to see how the festivities are celebrated and enjoyed. On the third day, children along with the priest come to take rice and Rambha dal to offer prayers for each household in the village. On the main day, we are not supposed to eat meat or any special food. On every day of the 5-day festival (including the two days before the main day), we ate rice and Rambha dal along with vegetables and side dishes. Rice and dal were prepared in our main kitchen, which is like a temple in a house. Some of that food is also offered to ancestors on each day of the 5 days. Seeing the noise and hustle-bustle of the people in village make for three festive days full of joy and merriment. I remember this trip was long and I was almost for 2 weeks in the village. After the Maageporob, we also celebrated Baaporob, the celebration of spring and new flowers and new fruits. I saw people putting flowers and branches of Sal trees in their houses. Seeing and following these rituals make me wonder: what were our ancestors thinking when doing these rituals? What ideas they had? These were fun questions to have, but I didn’t have the courage to ask them.

Living in village reminded me of how much stamina-less I had become. It is only after two-three days that I got the hang of doing physical work and didn’t tire easily. It also made me wonder that perhaps the story idea of a woman coming back to her village to escape the city life might be a hit-or-miss idea in Indian setting. I did think that I am a city person, and I won’t be able to survive or live in a village until and unless there is electricity, water and gas. I have seen people in village, still living without electricity, and they have to go far in forest to collect wood to use them as fuel to cook. Village life is full of hardships, and is mostly dependent on the weather and climate for farming. If the crops do not yield properly, people might starve and have to get dependent on the store-bought rice. You also get to get close to nature and dirt when in village and that is something that takes me some time to get habituated with. There is also the case of improper waste/garbage removal, that I began to think of how to implement environment-friendly waste-removal from individual households instead of burning it. After living the village life for five times, I have realised that I am not made for this kind of life. I am not built for doing hard work that the village life requires. But it is worth living in village for the blissful early mornings, sunrises and sunsets, and relatively better weather than the one in polluted city in home or my college city. I think once or twice, I woke up early in the morning, even before the sunrise. It was peaceful, silent, and basking in the early sunlight was such a bliss to me. I think I will remember one of those early mornings every time, before I go back there. I might have hope of surviving in village in future.  

I also exercised my voting rights for the first time. My voting card was made for my village area. There was Legislative Assembly elections going on in November 2024. Elections were organised in school quite far from our house. People were walking and older people were taken by Bikes and electric totos. We went to election booth by taking a toto. The Elections felt more like people gathering together to talk and there was a feeling of community. When the houses are a little far away from each other, the places seem a little lonely. It is only when there is a big festival going on, like Maageporob, that the people get an opportunity of meeting others. Elections have gatherings of people; thus, the atmosphere was like any festival. I felt like an adult, voting and exercising my voting rights for the first time.

Despite exercising my adult rights, I don’t feel like an adult, if I compare myself to some of my counterparts in social media- LinkedIn, Instagram, YouTube. I graduated from college after 5 years, and yet I don’t feel like an adult. I see this in many of my interactions with my mother, where my mother feels like I am unable to do a task that requires an adult to do. Sometimes, I don’t care about myself, and that, in my mother’s perspective, is a sign of not being an adult properly. I am privileged that my family is stable and I don’t have to immediately start work or go for PhD programs after my college. I can stay with my family, and can search for jobs or/either PhD programs in the shelter and care of my family. But that also leads to taking your family for granted, and in upcoming months and years, I don’t want to do that. It also leads to your parents having disappointment in you, which I am sure, my parents have, but don’t show.

I also realized, that I am a coward. I am a coward as I don’t have courage to go for the things I want to do, and be consistent with them, and I don’t have the courage to ask questions that are within my rights to ask. Being an adult means you have to be responsible for your own things and mistakes and learn to know things. I fully realised it, as I came to be a 6-year-old adult. I am afraid of wasting my potential and also afraid that I won’t be able to earn enough money to live properly in future. I am also scared of being not able to get jobs and keep them because I feel I will not understand office politics and stuff in future.

This year (2024-2025) I realized that I can go out alone and do things in my home city, if it weren’t for being afraid of not knowing about public transport enough. I also realised that going out and making plans with friends of your age group is much more enjoyable, especially when you and this group of friends are meeting after a long time, and have been close since your childhood. I am talking about cousins of my mother, who are in my age-group, and whom I consider as my friends. I saw them and met them previous year during one of the events in my mother’s side of relatives’ village. This time, me and them, went to visit historical places and places to eat in the city. We also went to Comic-Con, which was happening in my home-city for the first time. It was my first time visiting a Comic-Con, and even though it felt consumeristic as hell, the experience was enjoyable. I liked the cosplays that were done from famous fandoms, and I saw creators of my childhood comics. I also saw some indie comic-creators and artists. I think the only regret I would have, is not enjoying the free aspects of Comic Con- which was the board games and the free trial of games that should be played. Other than that, I think I enjoyed the experience.

I also got to experience my home city in the way that I have never done before. Previously, I used to visit tourist places with adults- my parents and people of their age-groups- and I would be following on their paths to see this city that I have been living in since my childhood. But I realised that seeing and figuring out this city (or any city/place) in your own or with a group of people with whom you share same mindset of travelling and visiting places, can make it more interesting. Going to places where you have never been, or going to places where you have been to several times and yet figuring out new things every time you go there, makes for new experiences and memories. With all these visits to places, made me feel a little confident about using public transport. I also tried to know more about the routes of buses, and auto-rickshaws, and metro trains, which made me feel like I can travel in the city without using Uber.

Being an adult means that I need to take care of my health on my own. Being in a college far from the parents make for a lonely experience when you are sick and you don’t take care of yourself. When I was in my first year of college, I didn’t know the importance of cooking. I didn’t know enough to cook myself a meal neither I felt the need. I only knew how to cook basic noodles, rice, roti, and omelette and scrambled eggs. Even when I was in my home because of pandemic and lockdown, I didn’t try to get to know how to cook meals. I was into watching videos of cooking food, but I was not so interested in doing the cooking itself. It was only after I got to see my roommates’ cooking skills, and compare them with my cooking skill, I realise that I need to learn to cook up more dishes. I needed to learn to cook more of home-made food and vegetables which are healthy. I could make noodles like ramen or in soup or stew way by adding fresh vegetables and I could make overnight oats, but meals should be diverse nutritionally, and there should be variety in dishes as well.

This year (2024-2025), after I graduated, I got to know how to cook a fried sabzi/vegetable (I had an idea, but didn’t practise enough), learnt how to make lauki (bottle-gourd) stew, and got to know how to make chicken and paneer and fish dishes. This year, I collected food recipes from YouTube, which I feel I can make. Thus, looking at those recipes, I can make myself a delicious and healthy meal other than the noodles and rice. Cooking also made me realise that I could perhaps study Food Chemistry. It is interesting, and I would love to find out more of food recipes that could be cooked by me and which are doable.

My life skills in comparison are a little rusty, and I feel that I should do more of self-care. In my teen years, I didn’t use to take care about my appearance, because I didn’t want attention from guys, and I wanted to be known for my brain. I was not good in taking care of my skin and hair. Later I realised that that thought was kind of misogynistic, and internalisation of women-hating. I started taking actions of caring about my face, skin and hair seriously from this year. I started searching for a good sunscreen, moisturiser and a good body lotion to take care of my skin and face in every season. I started to watch YouTube videos having advice from people about what they did or missed or learnt while being in their 20s. Some of those videos were helpful, and I get to know about so many people in their late 20s and early 30s being wise.

Being an adult does not only mean how to cook or take care of one’s health, but it is also to get your stuff done. I have to get habituated to the workings of Indian bureaucracy, while I was (and still am) getting my passport made. I also got to work in organizing games for an event. This was used to be done by adults (parents’ age people), and seeing myself and people from my age doing this made me miss my childhood, and realise that I am right now in prime age of being active and healthy, and this time period won’t ever come back to me.

I also sometimes think, ‘Wait I’m 24. In this age, my parents were shouldering responsibilities of a family.’ And this gives me a little shock and make me feel awe of them, who took up the responsibilities from such a young age. I also wonder if they used to feel afraid of adulthood. Now, I am in that age. My parents are getting old, my father will retire soon, we all are getting old, and I need to start saving up on my own when I start earning money. I have nearly learnt of how to survive on my own. But there are still so many things to know about- our family genealogy, family history, our village history, folklores and stories and whole lots more.

The year has also made me feel humble, as I entered in the trying-to-be-employed race. I began to apply for government and banking jobs and write their exams. I thought I would get a 9-5 job. But I haven’t got anything to look for. Thus, I am still unemployed, sitting at home. I applied for a paid internship, but didn’t get the job in publishing industry. I gave one exam for my future in science, but didn’t get the qualifying marks, for me to get any interview opportunities. This race to be employed makes me feel a little worn out, whenever I let go of opportunities or I don’t get into anything.

I am getting pocket money, and that helps in trying to live. I am privileged to write of this unemployment diaries’ entry without any pressure or consequences of homelessness, or poverty. I am though living off my father’s money, and that is what makes me feel a little ashamed, being a 24-year-old and unemployed, whereas many people of my age are earning their money, being an adult in their lives.

In this race, I have regrets of not going for an interview for a research assistant position near my home, and not giving exams and not doing enough to get good marks in the exams. These regrets come in a big wave when I mentally breakdown, and I feel like a burden and feel hopeless. These thoughts would also give rise to the thoughts of how will I survive my later years without my parents?

I did start, or re-start writing blog entries, and on Substack, which helped in making me feel less guilty of reading novels and watching shows and movies. I am proud of my writing, despite knowing that my writing is mediocre and below average at best. In my childhood, I had a dream of becoming a published author, because I used to love reading stories, and I used to wonder about becoming famous author, getting known by my pen-name, and earning royalites off my book. I am trying to achieve that dream, by taking up online courses on writing, and practising writing.

I also realised that I can have thoughts, but I can only be seen when those thoughts turn up as actions. The thoughts should give way to actions, because it is only when I do something, I will get perceived, and I will get results of my thoughts and actions. If my thoughts won’t be written or shared or transformed into action, I won’t be perceived. My actions or inaction, would give rise to opinions about myself, which could be anything. This made me think of starting anew in the year 2025, and think of the actions I would be taking to make up for my lacklustre 2024 year.

Despite my ideas and habits that I thought to embrace and take up in 2025, I didn’t achieve many goals. I was thinking of writing every day, but it didn’t happen. I haven’t been writing consistently. I was thinking of going out twice a month, to experience my home-city in the way that I want to, and capture it through my perspective while writing about it. I have gone out a couple of times this year, but didn’t try twice a month thing in early months and neither I have written about it. I wanted to be active every day, to be healthy. Haven’t done that every day. I thought of watching shows and reading books intentionally, as I write about them after consuming them. I didn’t do that after few months of doing it.

Even though, I didn’t follow up to everything, I would try to get out of rut by doing something creative on some days- editing videos, crocheting, writing, walking on rooftop, doing pointillism art, knitting, writing about what I’m consuming, writing about what I’m learning. All this made me feel unstuck, and I would enjoy doing it every day, if not for the upcoming dread of ending up without money.

My need to get a job to earn money and my want of learning and reading about literature and science clashes, which makes me do things that I regret later. I didn’t give some of the exams. I didn’t go to Book Fair 2025 and Literary Festival 2025 happening in my city. Having mental breakdowns some days in a month make me get in a rut, which could only be overcome by doing things out of my inertia.  

Before graduation, I thought that I would have an idea of what I’ll do later in my future before the year will end (2024). I was still stuck with same question even after 2024 ended: whether to go on the same path as the career from my education, or to try something new, from the start. Even if I should do something going ahead, I feel like I never decided on anything concrete. My interest in Food Chemistry didn’t propel me into action of searching for jobs or positions in that field. My interest in Publishing Industry didn’t make me do anything out of my comfort zone- that is searching and applying for jobs in that industry.

All those regrets stand along with my fear of adulthood, and it is quite sad to realise at this point. The safety of teen and young adult life has moved to this weird point in my life, where I am scared of both action and inaction. The dilemmas of choosing careers and creating a future is based on so many decisions to make. The fear of whether the decision taken is good or not, sometimes make me re-think of everything, from my past to present to future. It is obviously a sad thing to do, as I have learnt from online advisors. Taking action can make you have moving inertia, which can change a person’s life for good. All these lessons and thoughts, made me decide to write about my unemployment-era of my life. I am planning to write monthly personal blog articles focusing on my thoughts on being unemployed, which will be titled UNEMPLOYED DIARIES. It is inspired by some of the videos by people who record themselves when they are/were unemployed, and they are/were thinking of doing something. Nothing much might happen in my life, but I want to record and write about my musings in this time period. I hope to follow them through.

[It was supposed to be published in the month of May, which became June, and now it is finally published. Consider this (and further personal blog articles) to be my thoughts thrown into the vast internet. If you are reading this, I thank you for reading this to this point. I hope you well as well in your life.]