~June2025
[The outline of this personal blog entry was written during the month of June 2025, and was finished before publishing this today.]
This is the second of the Unemployed Diaries, which definitely does not say much about my unemployment, but says more of what I am doing because of my parents’ privilege.
I had this thought when I was writing Unemployed Diaries #1– An adult graduating and then taking up two years to study for Masters- are they considered unemployed or a student? Where do PhD students stand in the Employment-Unemployment divide? Are they people with jobs? When I searched for the answers, I found that some people consider PhD to be a return to studies when you don’t get any job. People who were doing PhD consider it to be a little more than being a student (like a life-long student) and less than a job. Doing PhD does not mean being unemployed really. It just means that you get scholarship or stipend as a salary that help you be a researcher and have a student-like curiosity for the topic you are researching, for life-time. Being a Masters student definitely mean being a student, since you going to classes and doing professors-compliant research. Whereas being a Research Assistant/Associate (RA) or a Project Assistant/Associate (PA) has salary with research duties, where research duties might be limited. I was searching for jobs in industry-related companies, or jobs and positions with RA/PA. My decision to do that and not properly search or get ready for PhD programs was because I am still in a dilemma of choosing PhD for 5-6 years, when I am not really sure if I will be able to handle it, without getting homesickness (if I go abroad) or quitting it.
It was in the month of June 2025 that I again, began to have the motivation of looking for jobs after losing motivation for it. I talked with my uncle (my mother’s cousin) who is of my age, and who also graduated at the same time as me, about him looking for jobs having creative background and not looking for jobs having his IT/Computer Science background. I was definitely envious of him. I feel that unlike me, he can do good in whatever he decides to do.
I got the rejection from Okinawa Institute of Science and Technology for the Internship program. I had applied to this program in the month of April this year, excited about it. I was a little heart-broken after getting rejected, but I knew at the back of my mind, that I won’t be selected. I believe that I haven’t done much in my college years to get selected in any foreign University or Institute for PhD programmes or even Research Associate jobs. My deal was (and still is) to earn some money, save them for a while, and then when I feel like I am a little settled, that is, I have gained some experience and become financially independent and emotionally better, I would like to go on a PhD journey. I believe that I would be knowing what I want from life at the later stage. I want to do part-time jobs as well, but unlike movies, at times like these, you don’t necessarily get part-time jobs so easily. I was thinking of applying for part-time jobs in bookstores in the city, but I didn’t go with my resume to the bookstores.
My prominent big dream is to write a story that is liked by many people and thus, I can live with royalties of my sold book. I hope I can achieve that. For this, I believe I am trying by writing these personal blog entries. These blog entries are not stories, I agree. But I am still writing them and I hope that writing can lead me to writing stories later on. My future plan is to write a love story, which will have the treatment of literary fiction. I also began to dream of my dream-life, where I want to write after returning from my job.
One good thing I did was, I have filled application for CSIR-UGC exam, which will happen next month. I also got an opportunity to give interview for a Research Associate in the Institute of my Master’s Project. I am thinking of going for it. This will also happen in the next month. I have also applied for a six months course on cultural preservation which is for people from Fine Arts, Chemistry and History. The course is for freshers as well as people who have some background in the field. I hope that I get into it. But I feel like I won’t get into it.
I found myself not doing enough of reviews [book/movie/shows] this month and not publishing them on Substack. Actually, I haven’t been writing them much and it was only in the last day, I wrote something on Madonna in a Fur Coat by Sabhattin Ali, translated by Maureen Freely and Alexander Dawe and I Remain in Darkness by Annie Ernaux, translated by Tanya Leslie.
My aunt (my mother’s cousin and sister of the above-mentioned uncle) came to the city. I enjoyed my time with aunt and uncles around my age. We went out to prominent places in the city-Park Street, Esplanade, some Ghats, went in underground Metro. We had a drinking-sleepover party. We drank and played and did a little karaoke and blared our secrets. We were drinking and some of us were awake till 5 in the morning.
I had certain realizations over this month. I realized that I lash out whenever there is a slight inconvenience. I lash out, or call myself stupid and just say bad and cruel things to myself, that I won’t ever say to anyone down in dumps. The realization of this cruel treatment of myself made me re-think my thoughts about myself. I realised that I don’t have that much stamina as I was breathing too hard and was huffing when I was climbing up the long, steep stairs, while I was out roaming around the city.
I wished the above-mentioned aunt birthday wishes. She had finished 26 years this month, which means that I was thinking of the years that loom ahead. It seems like the twenties have come, and the late twenties will go, and yet, I feel like being stranded in my teen years forever, while being in twenties. I feel a little afraid of that adult life starting from twenties. I want that independent life, and yet I am afraid of it. I dream of achieving financial freedom and having my own personal space, and yet, I am a little afraid of trying to do things to achieve that. Even though I am in early twenties, the late twenties seems to come soon for me, and I am afraid that I still won’t be able to achieve anything by that time.
It is a 30-days month, I realised and never ever I have felt the lack of 31-days month than in this month.
[I have written the outline for the Unemployed Diaries #3, now it is only to be written and edited. I hope it will be done by the end of the first week of August. If you are reading this, I thank you for reading this to this point. I hope you well as well in your life.]
Musings of an Anonymous Indian 
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